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My kind of by-the-book parenting

"Eliza's parenting had always been natural and easy, largely uninformed by texts and experts. Even her parents, experts in their own right, had encouraged Eliza to find her own way as a mother. For years she had felt that her immersion in children's literature had been better preparation than any parenting guide. There it was, all the fears and emotions and needs of childhood. When other mothers asked where she sought guidance, she often said, "Everything I know about parenting I learned from Ramona Quimby." People thought she was being glib, but she felt those particular books, written from a child's-eye view of the world, were indispensable. Inez once told Eliza she was a good mother because she had never forgotten what it was like to be a child. Like nursing mothers who squirt milk at the sound of any baby's cry, Eliza could be catapulted into childhood by a tantrum or a plaintive whine. She remembered it vividly, perhaps because it was sharply fenced off in her mind. The before time, the Elizabeth time. "

From I'd Know You Anywhere, by Laura Lippman

 

 

Jenny and the Jaws of Life

I am supposed to be using the kid's nap time to clean up the kitchen, put away the mess of stuff we got at Target this morning, finish the laundry and pay some bills, but here I am, on the computer. Why? Besides the obvious reason--why in the world would I want to do anything on that list--because I just finished reading a fabulous collection of short stories and I want to share it with the world. Or the five people who read this blog.

Have you already read this? Jenny and the Jaws of Life, by Jincy Willett. It just blew me away. I read it about 10 years ago, in my first book club and I remember liking it, but I got so much more out of it this time. It's described in some reviews and in the foreword by David Sedaris primarily as funny, but that wouldn't be the first word I would use. It definitely is funny, but also dark, sometimes very, very dark, and deep and occasionally disturbing. I guess the funny is what grabs people. She does have a sly sense of humour, and I laughed out loud reading "Best of Betty" and "Melinda Falling." But I think I enjoyed the darker pieces more.

"My Father at the Wheel" was my favorite. A perfect and excruciating encapsulation of the child/parent relationship, from the perspective of the now adult child looking back. So many times in this story, and in many of the others, I stopped reading and took a deep breath because Willett had so exactly captured how I have felt. She really has a knack for recreating the feelings and emotions from childhood and the teen years. I literally blushed reading this story and "Jenny" because I felt like she had somehow been in my head 20 years ago. And it was not really a place that anyone wanted to be, much less write it out for everyone to know.

"Under the Bed" and "Mr. Lazenbee" were absolutely terrifying and incredibly sad. I kind of wish that I hadn't read either of them because I can't stop thinking about them. Powerful writing, for sure.

So, pick up a copy! I read her novel, Winner of the National Book Award: a Novel of Fame, Honor and Really Bad Weather, when it first came six or seven years ago and honestly, I don't remember much about it. I think I liked it, but I can't even remember what it was about, so that's not a good sign. And surprising, because this book made a huge impression on me. I own the novel, so I think that might be next up for me. Maybe I need to read her work twice to really appreciate it.

 

The boss

It may be hard to believe, but this sweet little face is basically the cause of all my problems. Nice, huh? Someday she will probably cite this post as the cause of all of her problems to her therapist, so I guess we'll be even. But until then...she has won.

I had no idea how difficult a toddler could be. N. and I look back on Will's infancy and toddler hood and laugh now at how easy we had it. We thought that our excellent parenting had produced a very sweet child. He ate everything, slept through the night starting at 9 months old, and in general was easy going, eager to please and a lot of fun to be around. If we told him not to do something, 9 times out of 10 he would stop doing it. We took him everywhere and he seemed game to try almost anything. We loved, loved, loved being parents. And, we thought we were pretty darn good at it. Just feed your baby what you love to eat and he'll learn to eat spinach and sushi and curry! Expose your baby to as much as possible so they develop an open mind! Let your baby cry a little bit in his crib and he'll quickly learn to sleep by himself! Can you hear my bitter laughter?

Then we had baby number two.  Emma was a sweet, content, sleepy little infant...as long as I (or sometimes N. ) was holding her. From the very start she made it quite clear that she didn't want anyone else to hold her, or in some cases, even be in the room with her. We thought her strong personality was pretty hilarious, particularly because she was so young and tiny. We called her our little misanthrope for the first year or so of her life. She still gives people the stink eye if she doesn't know them. But in general she was a happy and easy baby.

Then she stopped sleeping. My lovely little baby, who started to sleep through the night at 6 weeks old (exclusively breastfed! It was like a miracle!) decided to fuck with us when she turned around 7 months. She is now 22 months old, so the last 15 months have been notable mainly because I can't remember much of what happened in them, on account of the fact that I have averaged 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night (and very little of it consecutive). We have finally come to terms with the fact that the ONLY way any of us will get some sleep is if we lie down with her until she falls asleep, sneak out, and then bring her into our bed when she wakes up at some point in the night. Believe me, we have tried many, many other ways to ensure a night of sleep for our household and this is the best we can manage at this point. I never thought that I'd be a co-sleeper, but she has won.

She has also won the battle in the eating wars. I endured months of her spitting everything out that I spoon fed to her starting when she was five months old. Then, once she could feed herself she made it pretty clear that she was only going to eat a select few things. Trial and error has produced a menu that could be worse...yogurt, lunch meat (no other type of meat under any circumstances), cheese, most fruits, whole wheat toast with peanut butter, black beans, a few soups, and occasionally green beans. She refuses to eat anything that I have actually cooked. Which is annoying, because I really like to cook. I am trying to not take this personally.

Finally, she is a climber. She completely mastered the stairs in our home at 15 months. WALKING up and down the stairs. Her legs were so tiny that it seemed like it would be impossible, but she did it. By 17 months she could climb onto any couch or chair. At 18 months she learned how to climb/fall out of her crib. Now, at 22 months she can climb almost anything that Will at 4 and a half can climb at the playground. It is truly amazing to watch her, and of course, incredibly dangerous. In fact, she fell last weekend from a 7 foot high platform, straight on to her belly. We took her to the ER right away and thankfully, she is fine. I don't know if I will ever be fine after watching her tiny body plunge from that height and not be able to catch her in time, but I'm sure I'll get over it in time for the next calamity.

If I could sum up Emma in one word what would it be? Stubborn comes to mind. Independent. Smart. Agile. Adorable, luckily. THE BOSS, which is two words, but perhaps one word is too limiting for little Emma.

She just breaks my heart every day. She is so strong willed and sure of herself. N. teased me that I have such a hard time with her because she is just like me. I told him that he's crazy, but then I remembered when my first boss told me once that I had a healthy sense of self worth. I think it was a compliment. And I have a feeling that it will describe my daughter pretty accurately as she grows up too. She is hard to parent, but very, very easy to love.